Kyle VS Kyle

Kyle and I moved into the same house. We’ve been here for three days now.

The first night he must have been feeling guilty about what he ate because he told me one of the reasons he moved in with me was for me to get him in shape. I was a little moved by that so I told him that I would run with him the next day. However, the next day I came home to a huge meal Kyle and Ashley made. We ate and I’m stuffed and exhausted so I start heading for bed. Kyle— seeing that I am no longer capable of running— starts jumping around “Let’s run, let’s run! Come on, you said you were going to run,” so I promised I would run with him the following night. And vowed to myself ‘by God I was going to make him do it.’

I got home at 7pm. After an episode of The Wire Kyle tried to talk me out of jogging with an ice cream bar. He said it would be our last treat before starting our routine the next day. I ate the ice cream bar but didn’t take the bait. We got our running shoes on and jogged out the door.

Kyle, on the sidewalk of his next-door neighbors: “I think I’m done.”

A block from the house:
“I can’t do this.”

The following are comments throughout the jog:
“Lets run to the store (grocery story) and circle back”
“We deserve to get jumped for doing this”
“Is this working out my core?”
“AHH we’re at the Albertsons, Lets get cookies!”
“Yes! We’re heading home! Now I have a mission!”

28 minutes later we are back in the house:
“That kicked my ass. I’m sore everywhere”
“What sucks is that whole run didn’t even knock out that ice cream bar I ate earlier.”
“So when I snack, I should only snack on apples and shit… right?”
“Bacon’s not good for you… right?”
“Is shrimp good for you? …Are crab cakes good for you?”
“Type in ‘is whisky fattening?‘”

So if you’re in Magnolia and you see someone running duck-footed in an American Apparel hoodie and breathing harder than you ever did running from the cops, that’s probably Kyle. Do him a favor and encourage him. And don’t forget to send your “Penis of the week” to .








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