Two thirds of Not Today, Fatty, was out in force Saturday night, bearing a 55 minute line in 30 degree temps, all for an un-skewed center aisle seat to the preview of P.T. Anderson's new masterful film "THERE WILL BE BLOOD." And with the exception of some fatty behind me chomping his popcorn, Sour Patch Kids, Milk Duds, Red Vines, Sweet tarts, and Skittles in my fucking ear all night, I am happy to report that it did not disappoint. From the cinematography, to the set design (sweaty oil men with their shirts off), to the score by Radiohead's Johny Greenwood-- not even mentioning Daniel Day Lewis performance, which pretentious film snobs and critics alike are praising as one of the most orgasmic accomplishments of modern man, There Will Be Blood is hot oily fire.
1. Cry first The first step to good sex is finding the right partner. When you find that partner unwilling, sometimes a good cry followed by a "pouty" face (and a quick reference to how much sex you and your ex-girlfriend used to have) is the only way to guilt a cold girlfriend into surefire submission.
2. Try putting your penis in her vagina Sometimes letting go of all your inhibitions and trying something new is the only way to guarantee sizzle in the sack.
3. Be positive People like being in optimistic company. Tell her how much she likes it. Phrases like "You are having so much fun right now" and "You're thinking I feel much bigger then four and a half inches hard" whispered in here ear is guaranteed to brainwash her into orgasm.
4. Shut the fuck up, Ebert! So you've seen one Brando flick and you think you know acting. Who are you to judge the merits of your partners performance? Any orgasm, fake or otherwise should be registered in your brain as a success story, because, frankly, you're just not qualified to critique her acting.
God, if you're listening, this is how I want to die.
While fishing in about 1,400 feet of water off the South Coast of Grand Cayman, Mr. Wright’s attention was drawn to an object that was floating on the surface nearby. He motored over to investigate and picked up a dead fish that simply amazed him. It is now also astonishing scientists both here and in the United States.
In the belly of the fish was another fish, and this one was clearly much, much bigger. In fact when it was measured it was determined that the fish he picked up had eaten a ‘snake mackerel’ that was more than four times its own length.
So I just bought a new desktop online and while customizing it I decided I would go with Apple's new wireless keyboard. I trusted they knew what they were doing and didn't bother to look at it first. How fucking bummed was I when I saw what they sent me? I think I got carpal tunnel just looking at it. Even Hightop can't believe it.
Free hand job to the first person to accurately guess the number of times Josh Jones appears in the background of the following videos. (Hint: It's over 16)
I was browsing my favorite monthly magazine Women & Guns for some Christmas ideas, when it occurred to me that my annual subscription ends in January. So if anyone needs any present ideas (I know I can be tricky to buy for). They also have back dated issues to 1997 (my subscription started in 2003). Just saying...
High Lights of My Weekend (because I know you care)
Daina's (fake) meatball sandwich.
While walking to work on Saturday two kids asked if I'd buy them juice. After remembering a conversation I had with Pheed, I realized they weren't talking about OJ.
I Realized I have great taste in movies while renting this and being told I had a late fee for Finding Nemo.
The French Steal American Apparel and Raise Us a T-Shirt
One can only hope that French decency standards come bundled with the inevitable spread of socialism or-- at the very least-- an appreciation of Jerry Lewis.
Those of you aware of the size of my penis probably also have first hand knowledge of my extensive Yorkshire Terrier Christmas ornament collection. Collecting over 15 rarities 2007 alone, I am particularly excited this year as I finally have enough to dedicate my whole tree to these little miniature masterpieces. Though the sum of my collection adds up to more then 150 of these yorkshire treasures, I would like to take the this opportunity to share with you the gem of my collection.
Glittered and painted, Miss Rio Yorkie is the Rolls Royce of Yorkie collectibles. I hold this one particularly close to my heart because I actually met the designer in a cute little bavarian gift shop in Leavenworth. I told her how much I loved her earlier work Time Out Yorkie when she pulled Miss Rio out of her trunk. I tried to repay her with a warm cup of coffee but she told me she had to get back on the road. Not before I got her to sign the bottom of lil' Miss Rio, though.
