It's been a rough start to the year. For starters Phil has been gone upwards of four weeks which means all of my homosexual idiosyncrasies have had to be diverted onto far less appreciating souls. You see, only a friend from my adolescents could find the humor in me grabbing his dick in front of the clerk at Bed, Bath and Beyond and/or not freak out (at least as much as I anticipated) when he found out first hand that the popcorn trick is more than a myth. Co-Workers, clergymen and second string friends just don't seem to find the humor in it. To make matters worse, Phil's cell phone screen has been broken. Which ended our daily tradition of photo texting each other serious portraits of ourselves throughout the events of our day (see: here and here). To put it mildly, I was depressed.
Then I felt a vibration on my inner thigh. It was a text from Josh Jones, but I interpreted it as a gift from God: a message with the cute little rose photo that comes with your phone. Underneath it read: Love you. I was beside myself. I stopped in the middle of the shampoo aisle at Safeway and-- in hopes Josh would fill the void I've had since Phil left-- snapped a serious portrait of myself during a random event of my day:
I sat in the next to a bottle of Sunsilk, anticipating a photo in return-- though I was careful not to sike myself out. I had once been in a similar circumstance with Anthony, to which he replied "it costs me money when you text me. stop." But not Josh (he's in my network), just four short minutes later I received this masterwork:
I was fucking astatic (and not just because I bought Sunsilk for 20 cents cheaper). I ran home, took off my clothes and snapped another photo, determined to test the limits of this uncharted friendship:
Fifteen minutes, this graced my inbox:
Joshua Michael Jones may just very well have saved my January.
CURVEBALL!!! Whoa, what a week at the ranch. After 5 weeks at the ranch competing with their teammates, the contestants are told that from now on, only 1 person will be sent home during elimination, leaving 1 person alone. And that's not all... Are you ready for this? No longer will people be competing as two person teams. From now on there will be two big teams. The decision of who will be where was decided by Bob after he whooped Jillian's ass in a race up and down an escalator. Bob really hurt some feelings by not choosing a few people for his team that originally chose him. See ya later, buddy. What a dick.
This weeks challenge was the first chance the two new teams got to go head to head. Both teams starting walking up an escalator and the last team standing got to split $10,ooo. Not too bad. The black team, who is easily the underdog, couldn't hang and blue took it with three members staying on long after the last black team member was gone.
Weigh-ins are different from now on too. No longer will people being weighing in with their partner. From now on it's you vs. the scale and the team with the biggest combined percentage of body fat lost would be safe from elimination while the team with the lowest amount would have to send one of its members home. Blue team lost a combined total of 51lbs with my favorite Dan coming out on top for a third time. The black team didn't stand a chance and with Kelly not losing a single pound and Paul GAINING 3 (!!!!!) they lost a combined total of 20lbs. Not even close.
It was obviously an emotionally charged elimination but in the end, Jenn had 4 votes to Kelly's 2 so Maggie had to say good-bye to her best friend and teammate. We'll see how this affects (or is it effects? Fuck me) her next week.
Oh well Jenn, I'm sure you'll prove your team wrong in the long run. We'll see you at the finale.
How is it possible that a young woman, in such a short amount of time, can throw a lasso around Seattle, pull it in like George Bailey, and without notice disappear, determined to hogtie San Francisco? Rhetorical? No, this is a question you should all be asking yourselves.
Congratulations Jenna! Everyone at NOTTODAYFATTY wishes you the best of luck with your New Job at Apple.
P.S. You'll always be a fatty no matter where you live.
The first being I always see kids walking around with scooters. It's like a man purse or something. The really bad ass kids ride them through the hallway and I'd love to get a photo of that but they're just too fast. I'd also like to add that after I took this photo the kid turned around to see where the flash came from. Since I was so quick hiding my camera I was able to give him a "what are you looking at?" look. Definitely felt like a tough guy.
Another reason is this cardboard cutout. I don't think I need to say anything else about it.
A Shocking Moment of Realization: Red Robin Edition
Today, while eating a 5 Alarm burger and scanning the Red Robin crowd of late twenty-something turtleneck models, I realized that I too was a douche bag.
P.S. Me and Anthony want to know what's wrong with fucking to house music.
"Cry me a Rivera". Whether Geraldo Rivera is pushing rescue workers out of the way while crying and holding babies in New Orleans, getting his nose broken from a guest on his own talk show, or dedicating an entire live show to unsuccessfully finding Al Capone's burried treasure, he always seems to steal the spot light and really make the story his. Here he is telling the entire world where US troops are during the first stages of the Iraq War. In this TV Classic Moment...
"One last time and then I'm deleting you from Manik's page too. Shit talking your way to the top will never work, that's how George W Bush ruined this country. All you do is talk shit and act like a tweaker (do you smoke lots of meth?) IF YOU'RE NOT PART OF THE SOLUTION, YOU'RE PART OF THE POLLUTION!!!!!! YOU SHOULD CHANGE WHAT WHACK ASS NAME "PRECIPATION" TO "DICKHEAD" "
So I haven't been feeling good the last few days. Even with all the Mai Thai's and the whale's singing me to sleep, I've been trapped in my room for a couple day now and the only people I see are the room service when they bring me my big meals. I went to a clinic early when I had strong flu like symptoms. To save you from a long story I had to go back because a few of the syptoms weren't leaving.
"Breath in...Ok Breath out" "Lie on your Back." " Does that hurt?...Does that?" " Ok we're going to need a stool sample. You're going to have to poop ( yes he used the word poop) into a bed pan that I give you and transfer it to these little containers. Now you're going to have to poop 3 sepereate times and sample each one for us so we can send it to the lab and then the lab can send it to other labs for the most accurate results. Do you have any questions."
"Yes, can you throw some plastic gloves in that bag."
"Of course"
"Oh, and you do have anything I can transfer the poop with?"
"Um...All I have are these sterile tongue depressors..um.."
"Yeah those should work...thanks."
Well, wish me luck. I'm about to take my second sampling. I felt like a fucked up scientist/retarted little kid when I took poop from one container then bottled it up tight in another and had to walk a block in a half with it concealed in a brown paper bag. I wanted to toss it at the next person who said Hang-Loose.
Do you guys want to hear about my dream last night? Everyone’s favorite question. "How about you rephrase that" "You want to tell me something that's never happened to you but you're going to pretend it did?"...."yes"
Let me explain myself. I have a new job where I am doing what I love most and I get to travel on top of that. The last 3 months I've been traveling for weeks at a time to 3rd world countries with only about two weeks, sometimes less than that, in between. I know I'm sorry I'll get back to my dream as soon as I give you a little back-story. When I am home for the short amount of time the threat to leave again is already on the calendar. Hanging out with friends, skating, eating, movies, and of course some family time are scheduled liberally in that small window.
When I woke up this morning I found out I really miss everyone back home and am looking forward to seeing every single person I know, according to my dream. I've had dreams where I'll have sex with someone I shouldn't have and where my only transportation is grabbing on to a hovering nickel. One where Kyle, his family ,and I (along with a huge crowd of people) were watching an outdoor movie (in downtown Seattle) and a meteor hit and as every one was running Kyle busts through the crowd screaming " Dinosaurs! Dinosaurs! There's Dinosaurs coming! ". I even learned to drive a stick in my dream, but last night was a first.
Every single person I considered a friend was in it. It was like my top 48 or something. It started of with a smaller group playing home run derby. All friends, everyone's faces I knew. More and more friends started showing up as the group got bigger so we decided to play a huge game of tackle football but since we didn't have a ball we used a glass bottle (that magically never broke). I get the ball and all of a sudden I can't run fast, super slow-mo. The touchdown was the rotating doors at a movie theater. Real street ball. The point of this is I've never had a dream with that many people I knew in it and since I've been gone for the last 20 days (in Hawaii) just thought I'd let you guys know I miss you.
Simply look up a phrase like "If your dad were gay where would he be in 10 years?" in google image search. I chose a visual fortune for mine because I learn better with images rather than text. Now be prepared to see a possible glipse into your future. A glitch google didn't intend for mankind.
I choose a sensible question since I plan to be settling down pretty soon (Not by choice but there's a chance a few are pregnant). "What will my kids look like?" These are the possibilities it came up with.
It took a few weeks but people on the ranch are starting to get fed up with each other. During this weeks challenge, people were given the option of forming alliances and since the black team had yet to lose, just about everyone teamed up against them. Smart. And while the Grey team of Trent and Roger may be the heaviest the were able to come out on top and gain immunity during the weigh in.
After being called out for going off on his brother, Mark stated "there goes the 'armony in the house" and I'm really hoping that becomes his catch phrase. My favorites Jakie and Dan came in third place at this weeks weigh in while the yellow team of Paul and Kelly, who if I must remind you were below the yellow line last week, lost a combined total of 23lbs and came out on top. The purple team of Jenn and Maggie along with the white team of Neill and Amanda were the bottom two this week and up for elimination. The entire house was sick of Neill's complaining (and probably the awful tribal tat) and unanimously sent him and his wife packing.
In Neill's defense, since leaving the Ranch he has lost 20+ pounds but I don't think he has it in him to keep it up. I'm hope I'm wrong. See you two at the finale.
"For Sale - beautiful pink "vagina couch" that I made in art school and no longer have space for. The couch is large: measures 5' 3" long, 3' 3" wide at the middle, and stands 2' 3" tall (and is heavy like a couch). The pics are from my portfolio and are several years old; as a result, the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape. A professional upholsterer helped me build the couch, so it is also functional and durable as a piece of furniture. The couch must be picked up in Mendocino, a 3-hour drive north of SF. I am asking for $600 and a loving home!"
When first saw this in second grade, I thought it had just came out (...1947) . I also thought that the Wonder Years was really filmed in the 70's. When did we loose the grandness/classiness of older cartoons and trade them in for cartoons written by people who have attention deficit disorder.
Part 2
Other great cartoons that you could probably rent at your library are Robin Hood, The Secret of Nimh, Jungle book, and The Sword in the Stone.
Sure, hoverboards may be all the rage in a decade or so, but for now, we're going to have to give some serious kudos to these bad boys. Designed, created and sold by Photon Light Boards, these LED-covered skateboards are sure to light up the night (and the streets). Each board can be customized to the hilt and features an on / off switch, a thin Li-ion battery / charger and a protective metal plate along the bottom. Instantly interested in ditching your boring deck for one of these creatures?
You're not fucking fooling me. Don't even think about trying to confuse me by adding some artificially flavored tofu to my Phad Thai Chicken in an attempt to skew my chicken count. I ain't falling for it. I expect 26 full bites in which my noodles are accompanied by fried poultry-- or I'm citysearchin' your ass. The same goes with the egg. Yes, I get it, on the initial glance it might look like a little piece of chicken but you're not confusing my taste buds.
This is the recent history from the computer at work. Those are all from yesterday. Awesome. My personal favorite is the google search for "free porn".
A telephone company cut off an FBI international wiretap after the agency failed to pay its bill on time, according to a U.S. government audit released on Thursday.
"Late payments have resulted in telecommunications carriers actually disconnecting phone lines established to deliver surveillance results to the FBI, resulting in lost evidence, including an instance where delivery of intercept information required by a ... FISA order was halted due to untimely payment," the audit said.
Congrats to all of you who got away with saying your lady has a "bomb ass" without the usual 7-10 month wiretapping of your phone. But shame on you for saying your lady has a "bomb ass." Shit's degrading.
With the advent of the Internet, men can now easily and anonymously print out a chart, put their dick on the table and measure the sum of their lovemaking resources. To put those measurements in context, they can then resource vital statistics about how others in their demographic measure up and and easily spend the rest of the day opening spam emails promising to give them that two extra inches it will take to get them (just below) average.
With women, however, it’s not so easy to gauge. Each day, thousands of young women naively strut around the city, underestimating the many crucial proportions, measurements and geometric shapes that go into a well rounded, multi-purposed vagina. Which, I guess is why I guess I found the women at the Vagina Institute so damn innovative. Through their effort of “collection and processing, data and information about the vulva and vagina” they look to accurately address many key vaginal concerns. Like, for instance:
Do vaginal aesthetics matter?
Vagina size, an organ hidden in mystery
Vagina & vulva enhancements, secrets in femininity
If (like me) you have to work Tuesday nights and (unlike me) don't have a DVR then you're missing the best reality show on TV right now. While Fox is offering people money to admit to cheating on their spouses (seriously), NBC's Biggest Loser helps people lose weight and improve their lives. For all you unfamiliar with the show, I'm about to break it down on a weekly basis for you... you're welcome.
This year NBC switched it up and is having teams of two compete against each other. We got husbands and wives, ex-husbands and wives, mothers and sons/daughters, best friends, brothers and even two complete strangers who met the first day. Fire.
During the second week on the Ranch, the trainers Bob and Jillian threw a curve ball when they announced they would be teaming up to train as a team, instead of their traditional method of working with half the contestants. They promised intense workouts that would pay off when it came time to step on the scale. During the first challenge, Host Allison Sweeney told everyone the winning team would receive a calling card they could use to talk with the loved ones they had left at home. Brothers Jay and Mark proved to be the team to beat and won their second challenge in a row. As an added surprise, they were given three additional calling card they could past out to whichever contestants they wished.
After 5 days on intense exercise and a temptation challenge (which only Mark, Marlory. and Paul gave into), it was time for weigh in. After having double the trainers, everyone was excited to see their results. Surprise surprise, the trainers new strategy didn't work. With the exception of Bette Sue and Jackie, no woman lost more than 3 pounds. And the men didn't do too much better. At then end, Jackie and Dan (my personal favorites) came out on top, for a second week in a row, with a combined weight lose of 16lbs and the teams of Kelly/Paul and Curtis/Mallory fell below the yellow line and were up for elimination. Everyone agreed that Curtis and Mallory would do better at home together and were sent off the ranch, which gave Kelly and Paul a second chance.
Curtis and Mallory... I wish you good luck and we'll see you at the finale. STAY STRONG!
