I would like to say thank you to Capitol Hill for the hippest year and a half of my life. It was here I discovered my love for Chromeo, got my first fixed gear, and learned v-necks were waaaay more comfortable than crew necks. If it wasn't for the fact I work or go to school here 7 days a week, I'd be at El Greco (excuse me, I mean Table 19) right now eating a feta scramble with an extra side of potates.
One last tour of my old neighborhood...
Didn't take advantage of their deli nearly enough
Took advantage of their $0.69 single pack Pop-Tarts way too much
I'll Definitely miss living across the street from Pheed...
and bumping into him (with guest appearances by JR) outside my front door
I went here once
I went here a lot
Scooters are fully accepted here
Ahhh, the Red Lion. I'll miss you the most (though not the tranny hookers I lived next door to)
PEACE!
If my new neighborhood is even half as great as Capitol Hill is, I'll be happy. And if it's not, Top Pot is only 1.94 miles away.
Stubble is the way to win a woman’s heart, a study has shown. Researchers found that women are more attracted to men with stubbly chins than those with clean-shaven faces or full beards.
Writing in the journal Personality and Individual Differences, the researchers conclude: “Facial hair, or beardedness, is a powerful sociosexual signal, and an obvious biological marker of sexual maturity.
"Increasing levels of facial hair were associated with increased perceptions of aggression, in that bearded faces were perceived as being the most aggressive, whilst clean-shaven faces were rated as being the least aggressive. And as facial hair increased in a linear fashion, so did female ratings of masculinity and dominance.
On June 12th, 2008, Not Today Fatty Co-Founder Anthony Barns sat alone on his couch, covered in cookie crumbs, obsessively refreshing his internet browser. It was his 26th birthday and he was patiently waiting for what had now become a NTF tradition: a melodramatic-homo-erotic-birthday-photo-montage honoring the site's heroic founder.
The blog was never posted.
You see five months before, in a stunning move of arrogance and sheer superiority, Anthony Barns retired his long-standing myspace account (R.I.P. Cash Money Vagrant, 2003 - 2008). Had his account been online in the beginning of June, Phil and I both would have received a friendly message from Tom letting us know that our friend's birthday was coming up.
The message never came.
Instead weeks went by, food was eaten, texts were sent and yet a happy birthday was still unwished. Until today, on my way home from doing drugs with my girlfriend's dad, I received a call from Phil asking if I knew when Anthony's birthday was. It was then we pieced together various clues from the past month which lead us to the obvious conclusion that his birthday was a month sooner this year than that of previous years.
While we can't go back in time and wish Anthony a happy 26th birthday, we can go on record wishing him a happy 27th birthday 348 days from now.
Besides overhearing the best conversations about balls in other dudes mouths directly outside my window. I don't even have to work to get a truck load of men dumped right in front of my apartment.
P.S. It's gay pride weekend and if I hear another dude say "meal on wheels", when I skate by, I'm not sure buying a scooter will be the best thing for me.
While searching on Craigslist I came across these...
How the hell do I compete with that!
To all 14 fans of NTF, this is your call of duty! Find me a scooter!! Tell them you will sleep with them, trade your 1080p TV, give them all your American Apparel V-Necks, tell them you'll replace Pheed with them as the JOOSE mascot, or make them get on their knees open there mouth and worship the rock star god Fankult! Just as long as it doesn't look like a Alien and cost as much as a Vespa ( I just can't justify spending that much on 50cc's).
PS A dope tandem bike will be a guiltless substitute.
After spending a couple hours on www.boobsforbarack.com, I've come to the conclusion that in the United States, a country of equality, it was unfair for our hero John McCain not to have equal representation. Which is why NTF is proud to announce that we have just bought the domain name PenisesForJohnMcCain.com as a way for men all over the country to literally show their hard-on for John McCain. Me and Anthony just took our pictures a couple minutes ago and Phil will take his next week (when the fish eye lens gets delivered).
Even though I'm 26 years old I really have no idea how to take care of myself and rely on Daina for most things, the most important being what I'm going to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It's not that she cooks all my meals for me (though she sorta does), but if she sees me reaching for a slice of leftover birthday cake for breakfast she'll remind me we have Grape-Nuts and I should probably eat those instead (or at least first).
Since she's off doing an internship in another country right now I'm left confused on what to eat. I've tried to text Kyle in the middle of the day asking what to eat for dinner, but he's seriously no help.
The only thing I've been able to come up with on my own so far is water, milk, and cheesecake.
If you are a long time supporter of NTF then you would know I had to give my beloved cat Titty to my brother due to work and traveling the world.
UPDATE! He's doing Awesome! He only escaped once from his apartment to hide in a tiny hole in the wall after someone locked him in the laundry room. Garrison coaxed him out with some tuna and renamed him Sausage! He definitely recognized me when I gave him a couple energizing Tailspins* and some classic back flips from across the room to the couch. Fuck you Kyle this one deserves to be centered!
*A Tailspin is when you grab your (or any ones) cats tail, while it stands, and act like your winding it up in a circular motion.
Procrastination was a strong trait in the Kammer kids throughout high school. I am the oldest out of three boys and usually set a pretty good example of what not to do. Cleaning my room (organizing junk), skateboarding (one per a house hold), Senior year grades (I blame it on zits). After many times of over hearing my mom tell my brothers not to follow in my foot steps and to learn from my mistakes I had never been so happy to hear the pleads from my younger brother Garrison one after noon.
"Can you please help Ian (my cousin) and I by editing our project?"
I responded " Sure what is it?"
He replied "It's a movie about the IIiad... It's due tomorrow by second period."
"Have you started filming it?" I asked
"no." he said
This was the very first narrative anything I've edited. I have never been so proud of my brother for having big dreams so last minute.
PS I delivered it to him as he was walking to second period. Kammer kids unite!
PSS Since there were three of us, we definitely watched Three Ninjas and called each other by their names while watching it.
AMSTERDAM, Netherlands, June 23 (UPI) -- Thousands of people in the Netherlands say they expect the world to end in 2012, and many say they are taking precautions to prepare for the apocalypse. The Dutch-language de Volkskrant newspaper said it spoke to thousands of believers in the impending end of civilization, and while theories on the supposed catastrophe varied, most tied the 2012 date to the end of the Mayan calendar, Radio Netherlands reported Monday.
De Volkskrant said many of those interviewed are stocking up on emergency supplies, including life rafts and other equipment.
Some who spoke to the newspaper were optimistic about the end of civilization.
"You know, maybe it's really not that bad that the Netherlands will be destroyed," Petra Faile said. "I don't like it here anymore. Take immigration, for example. They keep letting people in. And then we have to build more houses, which makes the Netherlands even heavier. The country will sink even lower, which will make the flooding worse."
Way before the riots of WTO, a group of "Wobblies" from the promise-land of Everett, WA, armed with only guns and contempt (for living in Everett), approached the waterfront docks, hundreds strong, to "get what was coming to them." The year was 1916 and economic tensions had come to a boil (pardon the food prep metaphor) over what many called "disgracefully low wages for a ten hour day."
As the working class "vigilantes" approached the Everett waterfront in two steamboats singing their fight song Hold the Fort, they met Snohomish County sheriff Donald McMrae:
McRae stepped forward and called out "Boys, who's your leader?" The IWW men laughed and jeered, replying "We're all leaders," and they started to swing out the gang plank. McRae drew his pistol, told them he was the sheriff, he was enforcing the law, and they couldn't land here. There was a silence, then a Wobbly came up to the front and yelled out "the hell we can't."
What followed was a death toll (depending on the newspaper accounts) of either five or so many bodies floating in the puget sound that "it would never known how many people gave up their lives for their beliefs on that day of red madness."
In honor of the heroic workers of my homeland, I will be calling into work sick tomorrow.
OGR Exclusive: This Hasn't Hit the Press Yet but George Carlin Just Died.
RIP (1937-2008)
“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...
...and you finish off as an orgasm.”
Update 10:18pm: This story has been confirmed on other sources. ET claims to have broken the news but it looks like they were an hour and fifteen minutes late. Not today fatty!
So I was snooping around University of Washington's online photo collection for a documentary I'm working on, when I came across a picture that looked strikingly familiar:
1926: Hotel New Vendrome
2008: Lusty Lady
I think the marquee should read: Look how far We've Cum
5. Dear god is Vladimir Radmanovic a fat, white piece of shit.
4. Kobe Byrant appears to be better at forcefully having sex with woman against their will than shooting a jumper-- or playing a game without looking like a complete douche-bag. 3. Lamar Odom and Pau Gasol have to be in the running with Ginobli as the most annoying looking half-lifes in all of the NBA. 2. It feel good to watch Ray Allen win a championship. 1. If I see this damn commercial one more fucking time I'm voting for John McCain and wishing death on this sick country.
Every Friday the 13th, Kyle Kegley waits by his favorite glory hole at the local adult arcade. It appears to just be a hole when approaching but if you shake pixie sticks or even mention the word Carna Asada his gay little head pops up. You'll have a blast but don't tell him he's getting fat or Wilco is emo because he might cry.
P.S If you want to make Kyle cry don't give a bum your change.
After last years Rords of the Floor me and Phil made a pretty serious pack. We were going to get ourselves in shape this offseason, so we could debut to the world -- what we thought would be -- a pretty fucking unstoppable dance dynamo. Unfortunately, two weeks after finding an instructor on craigslist, Phil quit the group claiming "I realized that dancing with you for three hours a day, 12 months straight is just kinda gay." His realization was kind out of left field, as the day before we shared a scooter and bought t-shirts at Banana Republic. Needless to say, I was pretty fucking upset. I had just devoted 18 hours of my week watching:
Singin' in the Rain Burn the Floor Dirty Dancing Flashdance Footloose Fast Forward Fame Shall We Dance Saturday Night Fever (Note: I know that John Travolta is usually known for his pilot skills, but damn is he a good dancer).
I guess the moral in the story is this: although I've since lost my respect for Phil (quitter) I'm proud to say that in this whole process I've found in life what truly matters: a great solo dance routine requiring a straw hat and a mesh cardigan.
Of some of the texts I got from Kyle during the Top Chef finale:
"Go Richard!" "Haha I hhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttteeeeee Lisa" "Richards faux hawk is killing it tonight" "I can't believe it's going to be over after tonight" "Man what a curve ball!!!" "Richard is getting really flashy tonight" "Man she gets me so hyped for our Lusty Lady after party!" "Unfortunately my 'Gail Simmons Naked' Google image search was unsuccessful" "Ooooohh judges table" "Man I don't think Richard is going to win" "My heart is racing" "Oops fatal flaw right there Richard" "Nail biter" "Ted's career has been over since Queer Eye got divorced" "He's nothing without Carson" "Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Lisa didn't win!!" "I actually feel a sense of emptiness. Like I have no more reason to live" "Which one of us is going to be first to post the whole transcript of our Top Chef texts?"
That's right, instead of suffering the humiliation of walking the streets, old and aimless with your conventional hearing aid, you can now just look like a piece of shit who shouldn't be breathing our public air.
The good news is that it comes with a 60 day warranty, which will be extremely helpful when I see you on the sidewalk and repeatedly beat you to death with that small plastic earbud-- before-- of course-- running to hide behind Phil.
Phil confided three things to me today under the condition of secrecy. Being that I respect practically all the readers of our five month blog over that of my boyhood friend, I'll divulge:
1. He is unable to run because he has flat feet.
2. He has a secret contempt for violent movies, as they give him a stomache ache.
