Not Today, Fatty.

In the Past 24 hours.

2008-10-29T20:42:00.000-07:00

8:00pm I caught Joe Biden in my kitchen and immediately he dropped something white behind him. He smiled, put his hands in his pocket, and left.

8:01 PM The white thing was my absentee ballot and it was already filled out.

8:02 PM For some reason he voted for me as Governor.

2am-4am I fell asleep and had a dream about Rashad.

7:30am I noticed a new bumper sticker on my car.

2:00pm On my way to reinsure the Jews the Obama considers Israel as America's biggest allly.

8:00pm (Florida) This is Dolphin. No joke. This is the first time I've ever felt bad for eating something.

Launchpad as Ryan Seacrest? You Don't Want to Miss This

2008-10-28T13:09:00.000-07:00

Journal Entry: 10-22-08

2008-10-22T23:14:00.000-07:00

Don't know exactly what I'm going to wear tomorrow. It's Thursday, so it doesn't have to be ironed. Thursday is Hawaiian shirt day, but I will probably wear a grey shirt and a jacket.

Good God, Serena Williams, Good God.

2008-10-15T22:54:00.000-07:00

Deer in Headlight of the Week

2008-10-15T19:58:00.000-07:00

10-14-2008: Kyle Kegley Turns 25.

2008-10-14T22:32:00.000-07:00

Moments after Kyle Kegley turned 25 and found his penis didn't grow an extra two inches.

Dear Kyle (you might want to sit down for this one),

2008-10-13T19:03:00.000-07:00

Noel has a present for you. So, Instead of meeting me at the 5 Spot for dinner every night, can you just come and skate with us?

Sincerely,
Phillip, Noel, Anthony, and Anthony's gay dog.

8/28/2006-Peter Schiff Predicts The US Economic Collapse With Unbelievable Accuracy

2008-10-13T17:52:00.000-07:00

Watch this.

Just Sayin'

2008-10-09T22:17:00.000-07:00

By The Way:

2008-10-08T22:29:00.000-07:00

The Sarah Silverman show is on right now....

Being Cody Perez

2008-10-08T21:40:00.000-07:00

No.

No.

Yes!

NTF Flash Back: High School Edition

2008-10-06T22:33:00.000-07:00

During high school, while most guys our age were giving their girlfriends roofies and playing soggy cracker with the rest of baseball team, me (aka Kynacoligiest) and Phil (aka Philopian Tube) were in the rap group 36k, recording our debut album Cyber Pimpin'. To put this in some historical context, this was well before the apex that was caucasian rap (I think Paul Wall was still in diapers). With controversial subjects like cyber sex, internet speeds and harassing underage girls in Australian chat rooms, we were definitely on our way to blowing the fuck up. Unfortunately, do to our introduction to pocket pussies later that year, the album was never completed.

No matter how hard the Philopian Tube tried over the years (you'll hear why in a minute), I refused to let him trash the .mp3 files, knowing someday I would have the opportunity to make sure he doesn't go in public ever again (good thing you saved that pocket pussy, buddy!)

So without further ado, I present you our first single "Don't Leave Me Cyber Girl" ft. Brian the Butt. Definitely make sure to hang around for Phil's lyrics on verse three.

Two guys order desert.

2008-10-06T22:21:00.000-07:00

Guy A orders first, “One cookie crumble please.” The waitress waits for Guy B to order, who replies “but with two spoons.” In a attempt to save his heterosexuality, Guy A quickly blurts out “ Where’s your girlfriend?”. Guy B smiles, looks deep in the eyes of Guy A and replies, “ I don’t have a girlfriend. I’m gay. With you.”

The waitress looks to both Guy A and B, smirks, and returns 10 minutes later with a cookie crumble and two spoons.

I want everybody to know that this did not just happen at a restaurant with me and Kyle.

Meanwhile, in Obama Territory:

2008-10-05T10:50:00.001-07:00

10-4-2008: John McCain Land

2008-10-04T19:33:00.000-07:00

In a bathroom somewhere in Eastern Washington.

2008-10-02T21:09:00.000-07:00

1 Hour 44 Minutes!

2008-10-02T16:15:00.000-07:00

While most americans will be playing Sarah Palin drinking games tonight, I'll be at my grandmas playing the much more Jesus friendly P-A-L-I-N-B-I-N-G-O.

(Click image for a more printer friendly version)

Proof We're Winning in Iraq...

2008-10-02T13:51:00.000-07:00

If you're like me, you unquestionably trust and believe in John McCain when he tells us that we are winning in Iraq. If, on the other hand, your one of those cynical-liberal-secilar-progressives who needs the proof to smack you upside your Prius before you form an opinion, then boy do I have a little news for you:

Drop Boards Not Bombs
Llewellyn Werner thinks skateparks could get Iraq's economy rolling

Aspen is about as far as you can get from Baghdad. There are no suicide bombings, no power outages, food shortages or military checkpoints in this upscale enclave. But there is a skatepark, and Llewellyn Werner points to it as he explains why his project has the potential to transform Baghdad from a volatile war zone into a shining hub of Middle Eastern commerce and tourism.
Werner is sinking a million dollars into this venture, with millions more in the pipeline. Because in addition to increasing security and stability in the ancient metropolis, he believes that over the next twenty years, the endeavor could stimulate development that will be worth a fortune to investors savvy — or crazy — enough to jump in early.

"Hey, do me a favor," Werner shouts to a teenager standing at the edge of the wide concrete course. "Go down there. I've got to take your photograph." Werner lifts a long lens up to his face. "And don't kill yourself," he adds.

The skateboarder, a high school junior named Knutzen Hoff, examines the 58-year-old Werner's cloth bucket hat, khaki shorts and leather loafers with some skepticism, but eventually drops in. He rides through the curves with a speed that suggests he's still a novice. But Werner, who admittedly knows almost nothing about the sport, is amazed, and snaps a series of photos that he'll show Iraqi government officials as examples of this thing called skateboarding.

When the skateboarder pops back up on the deck, Werner calls him over.

"Little did you know, but you're about to become part of history," Werner says. "I'm building these" — he nods to the skatepark — "in Iraq."

"Really?" Hoff replies.

"Yeah, for the kids of Iraq. What do you think about that?"

"That's cool."

Then Hoff pauses. He's grown up in Aspen, but even from his sheltered vantage point, he recognizes that Werner's plan faces a small hurdle: Nobody skateboards in Iraq.

"How are they going to get skateboards?" he asks.

"I'm delivering them," the businessman says with a grin. "The U.S. Air Force is flying them in on a C17. Not bad, eh?"

Not bad at all, Hoff. Not bad at all.

Full article

Fatty Alert: Vertical Stripes!

2008-10-01T22:08:00.002-07:00

For years women of more generous proportions have been told that horizontal stripes draw the eye to problem areas, making them look bigger than they actually are.

Instead they've been urged to go for vertical stripes, which have an elongating effect, apparently making the wearer look taller and slimmer.

Yesterday a science conference heard details of research which suggests the opposite is true.

Dozens of volunteers were shown flash cards containing pairs of drawings of women in vertically and horizontally-striped dresses. The women varied in size and the volunteers were asked to point out which woman was bigger.

His experiment revealed that when the two women were the same size, the one wearing the horizontal-striped dress appeared to be the thinner of the two.

And to make the women appear to be the same size, the one wearing the horizontal stripes had to be 6 per cent wider.

In other words, horizontal stripes are slimming, the British Association's Festival of Science in Liverpool was told.

For other outfits that make you appear fatterclick here
For other outfits that make you appear skinnier click here

Full Story

I CAN'T WAIT PT. 2!!!

2008-10-01T19:55:00.001-07:00

Man tomorrow is going to be like Christmas morning!

I CAN'T WAIT!!!

2008-10-01T17:02:00.000-07:00

The First Non American Apparel Shirt I've Wanted In a LONG Time

2008-10-01T11:50:00.001-07:00

Please help me and Hank find this shirt...

Why Do I Do This Like Every Fucking Day?

2008-09-28T20:23:00.001-07:00

Kyle walks into grocery store. The store clerk acknowledges him with a nod.

Kyle: Hey how you doing?

Store Clerk: Good. And you?

Kyle: Good. What about you?

Store Clerk: Uh.... Good.

Got That Cheese Nigga Where's my Macaroni?

2008-09-28T18:58:00.001-07:00

I've been incredibly spoiled these last two years as my work's office is located exactly one block from Pike Place Market. This has had a huge impact on my dietary intake and is almost wholly responsible for making lunch one of the five favorite meals of my day (after linner). The staple of my lunch schedule is on Tuesday (and thursday, and Friday) when I head over to Beechers for a couple bowls of their Mariachi Macaroni and Cheese.

So you can imagine the shock I felt this last week when strolling the freezers of Pasta Co. only to find this cheesy delicacy in a frozen form. $13 bucks for 2-4 servings (one NTF size serving), this shit is literally just as good as the in-store macaroni.

With the economy is bad as it is right now, I think it's important for every household to adequately prepare a food survival kit in case of an economic collapse or other emergency. Thanks to Beechers, my kit just grew with 15 boxes of macaroni and cheese.

I seriously can't wait for the next disaster!!!

P.S. You can also order online.

Happy 21 Nico Fish

2008-09-28T15:59:00.001-07:00

Glad I was there to pour you Hennesy and Kahlua at your first Yo Son last night.